All Night Long: The Final Chapter (aka The Final Atrocity)

Well kids, Uncle Kurt has finally walked down the wrong path. Now, nothing but the fetid stench of regret hovers in the Video Sewer. I'm sorry mom, I’m sorry world.

Best to stick to what the Sewer does best, crap Canadian slasher flicks from 1980, latex special effects car-wrecks of movies based upon national holidays or figures from renaissance mythology. Whatever happened to Sandra Bullock?

In case you’re wondering, I’m trying to review All Night Long 3: The Final Chapter. With a numeral and ‘the final chapter’ in the title you’d think this movie would fit right in with my pathetic cinematic world. Wrong-o. All Night Long 3, a mid-‘90s piece of dreck from the land of the rising sun, is by far the most offensive, most worthless movie I’ve seen in a long time, and that includes Ebola Syndrome and Glitter.

This is a geek-show for the damned, and I realize the creators were probably trying to indict ‘oppressive Japanese societal mores’ or ‘lack of human kindness’ but I truly feel sorry for everyone involved in this abomination, this atrocity. I feel sorry for myself. I wasted my time, and I can never un-see what I willingly rented.

By the way, I’m no prude. I thought 8mm sucked but at least it had a point. There really is no point to this tale of a messed up kid who pathetically slinks from romantic-trash-obsession (old tissues with lipstick-stains, half-eaten sandwiches and used maxi-pads) to bathtub-based dismemberment and eventually revenge-less, useless gun/broken/glass/ice-tongs massacre.

Do these things (at least some of them) have appeal to serious Sewer-viewers? Hell yes! But when you set them in a world wholly populated by cruel, simpering, cackling, drooling, sexually dysfunctional, violent and even retarded (if you’ll forgive the term) cretins, not one of whom is remotely likable or could be described as ‘good’ in any fashion, well, then you’ve got a vile, stinking pile of unredeemable trash.

Sure, that might be the point of the movie; that “human beings are garbage” to quote the box, but no matter how you slice that phrase it smells. When our primary antagonist, the limping, puffy lipped dork-with-no-name (some poor young fool who delivers a terrible performance that only reinforces the shameless crappiness of this movie) reveals that since no-one has ever treated him with kindness he’s decided to treat them like garbage (charming) - it rings false. What about all the perfectly cheery grocery clerks in the conbinis (Japanese convenience stores) from whom he buys all his air freshener? They’re always good for a chirpingly kind “welcome!” Hell, even his fellow murderous-garbage-fetishist treats him like an apprentice, a son even, sharing his trade-secrets and philosophy. I’d call that kindness; nevertheless geek-boy chops his head off with a shovel and incinerates the corpse. Neat. When the idiots who made All Night Long 3 try to back up their one shallow point they can’t even do it.

There is nothing of value in this movie.

So, until next time, have a good one!

No Extras on this Fullscreen presentation DVD, other than English subtitles.