Deep Blue Sea

(This review originally appeared on Themestream.com)

Found myself in Coeur d' Alene over the weekend and had the great misfortune of watching Deep Blue Sea. Deep Blue Sea is to Virus what Jaws 3: 3-D was to Orca. "What is he saying?" you ask. I'm not quite sure, except to say the movie has quite the pedigree of crap. The biggest name in it is Samuel L. Jackson, who appears to have spent half a day filming unconvincing reaction shots, then the rest of the day reciting his 12 lines. The picture was shot by Renny Harlin, the aging wunderkind who's taken on the dubious task of recreating Waterworld on a tenth of the budget. More than once. (See Cutthroat Island).

This time we're thrown into a half submerged giant laboratory with a bunch of mal-contents ready to bear witness to a genetics miracle. Some woman has figured out a way to use shark brains to cure M.S. and Alzheimer's or something, but the problem is, she needs more brains. So she engineers some sharks with bigger brains. In a bizarre, unforeseen side effect, the sharks get smarter. Gee...

After some tremendously unconvincing scenes where the non-written characters celebrate the success of their thin premise, the sharks freak out and start killing everyone in a well thought-out frenzy.

That's when the 'Maestro', as Harlin's colleagues refer to him, unleashes an hour plus of cheap-jack CGI effects and boring, pointless set-pieces wherein our cardboard characters are endlessly menaced in fresh new ways by the sharks and the slowly, oh-so-slowly flooding lab.

The cast includes Chris Rappaport doing double duty as fish-food and comic relief, and LL Cool J (14 Shots to the Dome, Halloween H2O) as a parrot sportin' Christian chef. The bird doesn't make it, but LL and another minor character do, in a triumph of arbitrary, 'we need this script done yesterday' kind of writing.

Deep Blue Sea includes one of the stranger scenes of the last few years, wherein the shark's first amputation experiment, who's strapped on a gurney, is dragged around in the water by a giant shark, then flung against the huge window of the lab in order to shatter it. There's a very pregnant pause while everyone stares at the guy smooshed up against the slowly cracking window, seemingly unable to comprehend that they're in immediate danger of being drowned by tons of crushing water.

This little one's not worth the effort, even for bad movie lovers, unless you can overlook Harlin's ham-fisted, moronic cynicism. That's the cue for you masochists to run out and rent it.

I can hear some of you whiners out there, you who have probably already abandoned my column anyway, complaining that I'm being too rough on Deep Blue Sea. I'd say then that you'd better actually watch the movie and pipe down.

On a related note, I was amused to hear 'Zoot Suit Riot' by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies used during a Latin Showdance competition on PBS. Those from the Pacific NW will remember when the Daddies couldn't even buy and ad in The Oregonian because of their objectionable name. The competition, hosted by Sandy Duncan (Valerie's Family, Triscuits) and some other guy, was really cool, and had one couple doing a very angular, tightly synchronized Rhumba, in which they never moved their upper bodies. PBS is great!