Exorcist: The Beginning

We’re talking about your standard ‘abandon all hope ye who enter here’ scenario.

And you know that means abandoning any hope of having a good time while watching yet another in the maestro Renny Harlin’s ouevre of grindingly interchangable movies.

No, the lord can’t save you from the ignominies of plunking down a few bucks and your ass on the couch for this truly tedious entry in the Exorcist franchise. The first is like a Brothers Grimm tale in movie-land, number two an embarassment for all concerned, three gained some juice from a few nasty jolts and a reliably twisted Brad Douriff performance.

So to what can we compare number four? How about one of those generic ‘Truly Tasteless Jokes’ books from the ‘80s? Harlin’s multi-million dollar rush-job (a replacement for Paul Schrader’s more-cerebral shelved version) merely throws a hodgepodge of antiquated cliches together, blames the devil, then commences to insult you.

Lapsed catholic priest Lancaster Merrin (Stellan Skarsgard) spends his post-Second-World-War days ruminating on the fact that some nasty Nazis forced him to tap a bunch of Jewish prisoners for instant death. Or maybe actor Skarsgard is just upset that this role erases all the good he did in another Holocaust movie, the transcendant ‘Good Evening Mr. Wallenberg.’

Happily, an archaeological mission in Africa to unearth a Christian church from 5 AD (which the excellent British mag The Darkside points out is a bit of an impossibility) distracts Merrin for enough moments to drag in an unneccessary ‘Shakka Zulu’ subplot.

Revolting Natives, (quiet, you) craggy expatriots, sexy doctors and rabid hyenas add up to a big snooze. But Harlin (and possibly some dope in post-production) decide that the way to really make a movie scary is to ladle on tons of jump cuts and sudden, loud noises, so all is not lost. The Video Sewer review team was particularly pleased because all the noises woke them up frequently, meaning they only had to watch the movie twice to make it all the way through.

On the other hand, CGI hyenas that give animation a bad name and a climax that features both unconvincing mass-slaughter and a Skarsgaard-Satan showdown of idiotic proportion won’t give you the giggles, nixing any last chance that you won’t want to throw this disk at a crow.

The Sewer would love to completely discourage you from renting or buying this flick (let the Sewer take those blows - won’t you?) so settle in for the closer, featuring enough spoilers to obviate your ever viewing this.

The opening and penultimate scenes of Exorcist: The Beginning feature leisurely tracking shots of vast fields filled with senselessly slaughtered people; we're guessing this reinforces the notion that the Devil will always prevail to kill everybody. But Father Merrin rediscovers his faith - even though he can’t screw the hideously possessed object of his affections, sexy doctor Sarah - so you may yet get to see another sequel.

Here’s the real scary part; since this slop-fest was really a prequel to the original Exorcist, the next one is duty bound to be yet another remake of a great ‘70s film. Mark our words.