Howard the Duck

A couple of you out there clamor for another dose of video abuse from the old 'sewer' (literally a couple, two people can be counted as my guaranteed readership, and when one considers the possibility that one of those people might be me...)

So, get out the snakes and plungers, we're going to that 'u-joint' where things get stuck and grow stagnant and evil, we're going to the Video Sewer! (Note how all this prattle serves to significantly reduce the amount I have to write about the movie. Significantly. There's definitely a significant reduction going on here.)

You might want to send me a comment regarding the above, I'd find it quite helpful. Perhaps I'd write about it in the next column!

Currently the 2000 Olympics are in full swing, and thusly no movies or everyday t.v. has been watched in quite some time. Therefore I'll have to go back, way back three weeks ago to recall what I saw...'spose it was 'Howard the Duck' the 1986 big-budget sci-fi thriller-comedy starring Lea Thompson as a New-wave punker who falls for a talking duck.

This was not that long ago.

'Howard the Duck' became, next to 'Ishtar', the biggest flop of the eighties, and rightfully so. I can't imagine a society that would make this movie a hit, (I wonder how it did in Toronto) it did however achieve minor "cult-classic" status. This can be attributed to three things, all other points of discussion concerning this movie are merely poisonous gobbets of gravy, as it were.

'Howard the Duck's main charm is the presence of perky and underrated Lea Thompson. Lea's show 'Caroline in the City' suffered from some uneven writing and unbelievable sexual tension between her and that tall guy. Firstly, he was a prig. Second, Lea would not go for a guy like that. I think she likes a more earthy type. Anyway, her (Chrysler? Chevy?) advertisements from a couple years ago were a real showcase for her aggressive cuteness. All the young Lea Thompson cuteness is on display in 'Howard', especially when she hops into bed with the Duck. Now there's sexual tension for you.

Lea's hot punk band favors shiny lame outfits of the type worn by Tina Turner in 'Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome' and hair that Tina would probably wet herself over. It looks like a bag of crinkle-cut French fries fell on Lea's head.

A little 'wrong place at the right time' action (or vice versa) and Lea meets Howard (looking strangely like Macauly Culkin,) unfortunate victim of some sort of space time warp, who's been transported from his cute 50's-like duck-world into Lea's. Eventually he becomes the manager of her band.

Much was made of the decision to use a dwarf or child in the Howard the Duck costume, instead of creating a robot, which might have had a better chance of looking like the original comic book character. Everyone knows that both dwarves and children move in abnormal ways. Further, put a dwarf in a heavy costume and you'll end up with footage resembling sped up home movies of your arthritic grandma. My point is...?

Howard's entrance to earth brings along an evil alien who possesses Jeffrey Jones, your third reason to rent this film. I've made fun of Jeff before, and his 'WB-style' presence here underscores the fact that by today's standards, 'Howard the Duck' reads like a long episode of 'Honey I shrunk the Kids - The Series.' The question is, how do Lea and Howard stop the evil Jeffery and get Howard home safely? Well, they don't, Howard goes on to manage Lea's band. They do stop Jeff Jones, who gives his all to the role, and goes on to play 18th and 19th century characters in movies of continually varying quality. If you need a fat guy who looks good in a powdered wig...

If you're looking for a movie with no-talent, washed-up actors, a soundtrack created by hopelessly 80's washed-up musicians (check out Thomas Dolby's awesome tune describing the awkward meeting of Lea and Howard), and space creatures that look like washed-up child stars with domineering parents, then 'Howard the Duck' is the movie for YOU!

It's all in fun, kids. I loved this movie, I love Lea Thompson, I even love Macauly Culkin. I can't imagine what the person who green-lighted this was thinking, but who cares! It's out there for you NOW!