Inseminoid

This landmark Video Sewer column marks a return to form. Once again the reader must contend with the worst movies the world has to offer. As for the quality of the reviews themselves, well, what do you expect?

Inseminoid is one movie that doesn't fail to renege on every promise that it makes, leaving you confused, angry and sad that you sat through it. That's why you'll heed my warning, and under no circumstance go anywhere near this movie.

It's so tempting, so easy to simply list the horrible aspects of this movie. But I won't do that; I just need an opening sentence for my review that hooks you in like the unsuspecting dupes you are. I know you're dupes, you made the decision to read a review of Inseminoid. At least (hopefully) you haven't made the grave mistake of watching the damn thing. Inseminoid is one of the worst Alien rip-off movies ever made. Don't be fooled by visions of alien sexual deviancy and gore. It ain't there.

Anchor Bay Entertainment, operating under the delusion that two wrongs make a right, has released a letterbox, uncut version of Inseminoid. However there's nothing to recommend. The more ludicrous parts of the movie don't even live up to their conceptual hype. A more honest release of Inseminoid would include the title sequence followed by a card that says "Ha ha, you idiots, no refunds," followed by the end of the cassette. Inseminoid is worthless.

For every scene wherein endangered space travelers attempt to commit suicide by cutting off their trapped feet with electric hedge trimmers (not nearly as cool as it sounds), there are fifteen minutes of space filling flashback scenes showing boring, pointless things we've already seen.

The soundtrack is chock-a-block full of cheesy early '80s synth music, completely destroying any chance for tension to build. NO SUSPENSE AT ALL. Unless you count your own growing dismay at sitting through endless scenes of hysterical British women screaming and sobbing at the slightest provocation. Speaking of unbearable sounds, no chance to show ineptitude is ignored in this production; even the 'Foley' sound effects and dialog overdubbing are done poorly, simply flat out wrong. That's not to mention the countless glaring continuity errors.

This excruciatingly dull, annoying tale of hapless space explorers (whose greatest accomplishment seems to have been laying some fluorescent light fixtures down to form a little pathway) is so stupid and suspense-less, gore-less and irritating, you should enter your local video merchant to destroy all copies. At the end, after the infant alien twins (bafflingly protected by the hysterical British women) kill everyone, we get the most stupid scene yet. That's when the clueless investigation crew scratch their heads in confusion, abandoning the planet for earth. Uh-oh, somehow the alien twins made it into a footlocker on the ship! What?

My god, this is the most god-awful sci-fi film I've seen in a long time. Only truly lost masochists with no hope should consider renting it. And I'm not liable if any of you suckers commit suicide after watching, because you've been warned.