Kingdom Of The Spiders
What an unqualified 'joy-to-watch' is KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS, the 1977 thriller starring William Shatner, which depicts an Arizona town overrun by deadly tarantulas. I'll even forgive the (apparent) mass slaughter of real live tarantulas* during the climax. If you're at all squeamish about spiders, then this is the movie for you! You'll get some great shock therapy when watching repeated scenes of people literally showered with live giant tarantulas! Plus, it has the bleak sort of ending that's unheard of now, and the song "Peaceful Verde Valley" by Dorsey Burnette over the credits, which is also (thankfully) unheard today...
That's it!
I don't think I have to write anymore. This thing sells itself, go out and rent it. See ya!
(Neighbor's 12 year old daughter, Sydney, takes over the article at this point. ~Ed)
Ever wonder what it would be like if smarmy William Shatner ran you off the road (after you declined his pathetic invitations to dinner), picked you up and threw you into the passenger's seat of your own car and forced you on a date that you really didn't want to go on? Yeah, I've wondered that, too.
Shatner's female co-star mistakes him for the attendant at the gas station when they first meet. Ooops, he's actually the town veterinarian and respected brain. Later, when the visiting entomologist inquires about the gent with whom she's supposed to meet to discuss mysterious cattle deaths, they point to the smarmy guy in a pink shirt, back facing her. "You!" she says as he slowly turns around. "Yup, aheh...heh...heh..." he chuckles as if gagging down cod-liver oil. Oh man, this stuff is good.
The two of them discover crazed, ultra-poisonous tarantulas are threatening the town. Their first instinct is to spray the 'spider hills' where the creatures live with poison. Unfortunately the pesticide pilot starts screaming like a monkey when a dozen tarantulas begin crawling up his legs from the floor of the cockpit. He screams like a monkey for about two minutes. It's this dedication to the depiction of insane terror and pain, and the inclusion of William Shatner, and the cheesy 70's cop show soundtrack, and the hundreds of tarantulas, that make KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS a 'crawlie' masterpiece.
Do you need more in your movie review? Do you want me to tell you that Shatner's character is nicknamed "Rack" (don't ask), that "Rack's" brother was in "'naam", that William Shatner plays a character named "Rack"?
KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS is the best movie to watch this year.
And now in a cheap attempt to get more hits, I offer my opinions on the latest blockbusters. They all suck. Ahh ha, but seriously, I have seen THE PERFECT STORM and THE X-MEN recently. If you like special effects, George Clooney, and the crappiest scripting this side of Colby's Clubhouse, try to weather the STORM.
If you like to see a blue, naked, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bitch-slap somebody with her feet, (who wouldn't?), then check out THE X-MEN. I give THE X-MEN one big, naked, blue edge over THE PERFECT STORM.
*If anyone knows whether the tarantulas were really killed in scenes of this movie, please send me an email.
(All three features)
