(originally appeared on themestream.com)
Welcome back to the sewer, my faithful few. It's good to have you! Summer is now officially here, and we're all ecstatic, right? I know I am. I can barely contain my enthusiasm...
Folks, we are in a devastating cultural recession. If that isn't obvious to you, consider what the sewer spat out this week, a refreshing little number from many, count 'em, oh-so-many years ago! Yep, Quest for Fire, the true story of some cavemen and women from 80,000 years ago is a movie that would never ever see the light of day if it were proposed now.
Nope, no-siree.
For instance, it contains no car chases, no people who are about to retire after one more score, week, what-have-you, no dialog, no pop songs in the soundtrack, no recognizable stars, in fact, no real homo-sapiens. What do we get in the quest? Slime covered, half-naked half-apes running around grunting, buggering each other, and bashing each other's heads in with heavy rocks.
It's the greatest movie ever made!
However, it lacks the earmarks of any successful movie of the past decade, that is, a plot that puts you to sleep in the first two minutes, and the requisite explosions to wake you back up.
What it has is Ron Perlman, who is perfectly cast (sorry Ron) and a bunch of other no-names running off to recapture fire after it's been stolen from them in a pre-historic "Saving Private Ryan" sequence that's excruciatingly brutal. By the time the few surviving cavemen start getting torn apart by wolves you'll be ready for a little breather, (if you know what I mean...) this stuff is savage!
Fortunately, 'Quest' then moves on to plenty of ice-age slapstick, Neolithic nooky (which might have you questioning your notions of bestiality), and touching scenes of Cro-Magnon marital bliss as the best looking beast hooks up with the fetching Rae Dawn Chong. If you didn't think a movie with no English and no subtitles could hold your interest, or if you simply couldn't follow that last sentence, then Quest for Fire is the movie for you!
I've seen a lot of crap in my day, but this is, from the ground up, the weirdest idea for a movie that ever made it to the theaters. To prove my point, I'll simply mention that Quest for Fire is a joint French and Canadian venture. God bless them for their courage.
"What's that?"
Welcome to my occasional forum for the discussion of points brought up by my readers!
Alert cinephile 'adeli' from New York points out that Girl, Interrupted is actually based on a true story! I'll admit I had no idea about this, which, as a writer, puts me in the category: 'moronic'. I guess I really can't beef too much about the script since these things seem to have actually happened...however, it doesn't excuse the 'after-school special' quality of the acting. Ok, Winona was all right...
'Till next time, Fondly yours,
The Sewer Master
I like to hear what you think (oohhh...he wants to read our minds)!
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Ask or say any damn thing you want to The Sewer Master
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