Splatter University, Girl, Interrupted

(dear readers, what follows was written by the author's 12 year old neighbor, she was covering for the extremely ill Kurt Dahlke.)

Hi there gang! I trust everyone has been well and enjoying these fine late-spring afternoons, I know I have.

We here at Themestream, in order to bring you quality articles, have decided that we don't need to submit an article every day, because we know that not all of our thoughts are things worthy of clogging up this site. True dat, true dat. Oh, we will also make attempts to use proper grammar, etc. I for one am quite glad of this, and i'm sure my colleagues can handle it...

Hey, sorry for that digression!

After settling into my viewing seat a few nights ago it became obvious to me that my real test this go-round was to figure which movie, Girl, Interrupted, or Splatter University, deserved to be thrown down the toilet.

Toss 'em both!

Splatter University

Splatter University is a competent, charming, and breezy little number from the Troma team. Those in the know can appreciate the bizarre thrill that comes with the usual Troma combo of extreme gore, callous disregard for human dignity, "spring-break" style 't and a', sophomoric humor, and wretched acting. If you haven't seen a Troma film, don't start here. Splatter University lacks sufficient splat, and with it's tired slasher-on-the-loose at school motif, doesn't cut it in the plot department either. Still, all in all, it's much better than 2 and a half episodes of Full House.

Girl, Interrupted

Speaking of Full (Nut)House, Girl, Interrupted makes Full House look like 'waiting for godot'...Ok I don't know what that means either. However, I do know that this cringe-fest is the most baffling studio picture that I've seen in a long time. It concerns a young woman just out of high-school who's extremely depressed, has frequent flashback-type episodes, and as I'm sure you've all heard, tries to cure a headache by following a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka. Winona then 'voluntarily' gets thrown into the 'Facts of Life' nut-hatch by Red from 'That 70's Show'. Soon after, Anjelina Jolie is forcibly admitted to the ward. Anjelina's a rebellious 'lifer' at the institution who likes to verbally torment her ward-mates into commiting suicide. How the ludicrous script became connected with Winona Ryder instead of say, Neve Campbell or that chick who played Topanga on 'Boy Meets World', well, we may never know. At least we get Whoopi Goldberg, the alternative Robin Williams (and I think you know what I mean), beaming down on the whole affair!

Girl, Interrupted, sort of Foxfire meets One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, is so stupid, cliched, and fraught with pathos, that it hits a new low about every ten minutes. Try this on; the poor, extra sensitive burn victim who every now and then freaks out because she is so ugly, has been crying in solitary confinement all night. To cheer her up, Winona and Angelina drug the night-nurse and start singing 'Downtown' by Petula Clark through the door. "Burnie" keeps singing happily to herself as Winona seduces the cute orderly out in the hall. Is this the right message to send?

Amidst the amusing 'insane-girls-having-fun' musical-montage bits, we get to enjoy the non-acting of Angelina Jolie, who looks like she's been hit in the mouth with a two-by-four.

Towards the end the whole mess turns the corner and briefly becomes a scary stalker movie, and eventually settles on the moral message that if you are crazy you need to lighten up. Huh?

Definitely recommended.

So until next week, keep your eyes up and don't do nothin' stupid!

(Abuse of quotation marks, hyphens, and tense-agreement has been noted. ~editors)