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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) And you thought you had moisture problems in your basement. The Sewer just got its ass around to renting the big-budget remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, starring 7th Heaven … that is, Jessica Biel. And while it’s always damp in the Sewer, just wait until you see what Biel gets herself into. Saw represents the venerable tradition of great movies turning into franchises and going straight down the sh*tter. First there was the unbelievable wrongness of the original, followed by a reviled but stylish and entertaining sequel, (but where is the cut with all of Tom Savini’s gore?) Unfortunately, each sequel thereafter is more abominable than the last. “No one says; Hey man, paint Starry Night again.” ~ Joni Mitchell Finally it comes down to another unneeded remake, which in this case is egregious because this potentially decent movie ends up as a soul-less horror primer – Saw with training wheels. I don’t regret renting Saw; it has a few nice nasty killings, atmosphere to spare and a fair dose of sniveling, mucus-splattered degradation, but so do many new original movies. So did the original Saw. In fact, the only thing this version has on the first is a pair of state-of-the-art gory murders. Yet Saw ’03 is a sleepwalk compared to the original, which presented documentary-style bedrock insanity with unflinching detachment, like being a fly-on-the-wall in Ed Gein’s house. This dreadful air is from lack of explanations, no pat Hollywood motivations. The film never telegraphs itself with stylistic horror movie tropes. And don’t expect to be left with a pat on the ass either. Saw ’03 tries to create the same hopeless finale by ripping off the Blair Witch Project - a sure sign of surrender - and it doesn’t work. But before that half-hearted ending, a promising start (complete with an over-the-top suicide that actually starts the cinematic derailment) is squandered. All of the things that Saw ’74 lacked – therefore making it scary – appear in spades; from the sit-com-class family dynamics of our loveable wackos, the dumb-ass motivation for Leatherface’s garb, to the utterly unbelievable atmosphere. The grand old mansion in decay sits out in a field - highlighted by huge floodlights and a smoke-machine, as is the practice of many Texans. And Leatherface does most of his work in a basement so damp the house above should have collapsed in on itself by 1955. Sewer says: If you haven’t seen too many horror movies the Texas Chainsaw remake might work for you, but there are better places to start. And while fans of the genre may get an empty kick out of its faux-degenerate stance, there are many better places to start, like going out and getting some sun.
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