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The Whole Nine Yards (This review originally appeared on Themestream.com) Today, instead of examining just what VIDEO SEWER is, and what its focus should be, we'll switch from examining 'exploitation' fare, and examine a movie that exploits something far more serious, the average movie-goer. Or we can examine my misuse of the word 'examine.' 'The Whole Nine Yards' is mysteriously set in Montreal. But it's a beautiful city. Under-used I'd say, just don't mention it's Montreal if you do chose to use it (the editors wish to express that the views of the author are definitely NOT the views of themestream or anyone on the staff.) Not only is it a Canadian city, it's French Canadian. But damn, it looks nice, as does Amanda Peet (the editors of themestream do not condone the author's sexist tone.) Peet plays the receptionist for Perry's character Nick 'Oz' Oseranski, a disaffected dentist from Chicago. Nick's life starts going sideways when someone he recognizes as a notorious gangland assassin moves in next door. That someone is the very recognizable Bruce Willis as 'The Tulip.' Bruce can't really play anyone but himself, anyway, so I spent some of these early scenes wondering if Bruce was as friendly with Perry off the set as on. Was Perry high enough on the fame meter for Bruce? Did his standing as being mostly a T.V. star compromise his status in Willis' eyes? Anywhoo, Perry's French(?) wife (played freakishly by Rosanna Arquette) takes out a contract on his life. Meanwhile, mobsters in Chicago want 'The Tulip' dead, and the only way to find him is through 'Oz.' Kevin Pollack manages to understate his scenery chewing turn as the Chicago crime boss with a ridiculous, unidentifiable accent. He ends up with the most laughs, next to Perry's slapstick and doughy-faced mugging. Many slightly-funny things happen in the first half hour, and then it turns into a big, boring, action caper mess (Martha Stewart's favorite appetizer recipe, b.t.w. thanks, Bruce!) Nine Yards starts as a 'Friend out of water' comedy, which in itself doesn't really lend itself to a two-hour movie, then attempts to stretch out with car chases and gun battles. In fact the gun battle leads to a dubious high water mark in the movie with the most gratuitous non-gratuitous nude scene ever. I won't tell you whom it is except to say: "Thank god it isn't Bruce again like in 'The Color of Night'." Michael Clark Duncan's bizarre presence as a mob enforcer only serves to further muddy the waters. He's huge and hulking but can't seem to conceal the fact that he's a gentle and considerate guy. Nine Yards is a light comedy bogged down with action scenes and bloody gun violence. When will they learn that this formula rarely works? Ok, Tarantino made it work. Oh my god, they used Bruce in that one too! I forgot to mention Natasha Henstridge (there are no mistakes ~ed.), who seems to suffer theatrically without her 'Species' makeup. I say rent The Whole Nine Yards if you've been staring at the new release wall for over twenty minutes, or if you're thinking of watching the first half hour and then maybe fast-forwarding to the nude scene. That's good nude scene.
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