The Last Horror Movie

Long the last to see anything new, Video Sewer falls in the race to ogle The Last Horror Movie. Or not, who knows? Who cares? The Last Horror Movie, a straight-to-video British production, takes the secular humanist view of events from Ring.

You know the Sewer is conflicted or crazy or tense to crap out sentences like those above, but I like the last one, because I came up with that theory while typing it.

I think it’s a good one, too.

By the way, if you care this review will be rife with spoilers, which for the uninitiated are parts where I give away all the ‘secrets’ and ‘twists’ and ‘endings’ of the movie. However, the sewer thinks only monkeys won’t have an idea of the ‘secret twist’ if they have any clue about this one, or if they read the opening paragraph.

If you didn’t read the opening paragraph, where did you come from?

Anyway, TLHM seemingly starts as a crappy slasher flick, but then suddenly it appears someone has taped over the original movie with their own prattle. This effect is less convincing if you’re watching the DVD. I can only imagine the hilarity if this is ever screened in a theater.

Said prattler is suave-n-sweaty Max, the world’s most boorish, self-involved serial killer; take that, Hannibal Lecter. Max and his unfortunate assistant have taken the time to film Max’s life, following him as he pretentiously rambles, savagely kills, and indulges in the ‘closet confessional’ of reality-TV fame.

Max is in the throes of philosophical peristalsis, seemingly cheesed off that we continue watching the tape of his killings. Doesn’t that make us murderers too? Er, no, it doesn’t. But it does apparently put us at risk. By watching the film, might we somehow become Max’s next target? Yeah, not.

But maybe there’s that tiny moment when you think; “I guess that’s a kind-a neat idea, it’s too bad my severely learning disabled Aunt Ruthie isn’t here to get fooled by it – however briefly.”

Regardless, Kevin Howarth brings his all to the role of Max, making him a believably portrayed if unbelievable character, and the terror and violence he wreaks is pretty rough. These sequences are much more realistic in their grubby, sweaty fear than the rest of the movie, and the shoestring SPFX are used judiciously and well.

Why Max and assistant(s) would go to the trouble to carefully edit all these bits of tape - probably with an Avid – into a punchy bundle, just to haphazardly target horror movie fans is a mystery. It’s not the most fail-safe way to kill, and it probably means Max has too much time on his hands.

This trip down the Sewer is provided by The Last Horror Movie, which hopefully won’t be your last, because you’ll need to get back to something a bit more convincing – before Max gets ya. Derr.